I travelled widely on my own for work in the United States. I was travelling to see customers, but in the evening I felt alone.

Once in San Francisco, I approached the counter for a seat at the bar. After a time of sitting at the bar, a lovely lady entered and sat next to me. After much self-talk, I summoned the guts to approach the lady and asked her if I could buy her a drink. She glanced at me and stated flatly no. I felt so horrible that I went away feeling bad; she had utterly rejected my attempts, which was a major blow to my confidence. I began to wonder if I didn't look right, if I was not worthy or whether my breath smelled terrible for generating such a harsh response.

It was a massive hit on my self-esteem.

After being rejected, it might be challenging to rebuild yourself sufficiently to put yourself out there again.

Most advice articles will tell you, "hey, just suck it up, pick yourself up and try again." But that's not all that helpful.

Rejection hurts, and it's not always as simple as brushing yourself off.

The Spotlight Effect Explains Why Rejection Hurts

Please tell me if this sounds familiar. You're strolling down the street when you notice someone in front of you waving. You squint and ask yourself, "Do I know that person?" You return their grin, nod your head, and wave. They pass by you and embrace the person walking immediately behind you. Your face flushes with shame, and you scan the room to ensure no one has caught your gaffe. You're concerned that everyone around you is observing your humiliating incident.

My experience in San Francisco was probably similar. Perhaps nothing was wrong with my approach. Maybe the lady didn't want to be harassed while she waited for her partner. I was making the problem about myself when there was a strong possibility that it wasn't.

The "Spotlight Effect" refers to our inclination to believe that more people notice us or items about us than they actually do.

But unfortunately, we believe that those around us are more concerned with us and our faults than they are, while in truth, they are more worried about their own mistakes.

What causes this to happen?

It happens because we see everything through our own eyes. That is, we have a propensity to imagine that other people are focused on the same things we are - our uncomfortable wave moment or our faults - when in fact, they are not.

This is part of what makes rejection so tricky. You believe the rejection is about you because of the "spotlight effect." It's quite personal. But there are so many more factors that influence the other person's decision, and it's not about you. It's about them.

Knowing this, however, does not always alleviate the sting of rejection or disgrace. It is difficult to escape rejection entirely. It's something we have to deal with on a regular basis. Instead of putting you in circumstances where you are terrified of being rejected, I want to help you develop habits that will empower you. I know you can manage them, and in this blog, I'll teach you how to gain confidence in your capacity to accept rejection.

How to Handle Embarrassment

Many individuals associate rejection with humiliation. You want to feel welcomed and included, yet you're shattered when a rejection makes you feel differently. If this describes you, you associate rejection with social humiliation. Of course, it's painful!

When you are humiliated by a rejection, it sticks with you. Such rejections inflict deep wounds that can last for years, if not decades. So it's no surprise that many are paralysed by their dread of rejection.

I'm sure you can recall a time when you were embarrassed by a rejection in the last few months or years.

The problem is that you are focused on the bad aspects of the encounter.

Instead, concentrate on the positive. How did you proceed following that specific rejection?

If you're anything like me, you probably promised never to do it again. But what is it exactly? In the heat of the moment, it's easy to exaggerate and misinterpret the issue as a whole.

However, after a few days, you can pinpoint the particular event or moment when everything went wrong. It's that thing you'd rather not do again.

So you keep going, hoping to do better the next time. Make the best of a bad situation.

Instead of viewing it as a personal rejection, consider it to be information. A tool for self-improvement.

Consider Rejection as a Learning Opportunity.

Take the principle of concentrating on the positive step further by viewing your rejection as a chance to improve.

Rejections allow you to become a more open person willing to converse with a stranger, a better speaker in your circumstance, and, in certain situations, a better person. You only need to locate the lesson.

I'll give you an example. I always admired my dad for how he could initiate a conversation with a stranger. I always wanted to have that skill. So when I started commenting with strangers, I was nervous and rushed my conversation and spoke too fast. Most of the phrases I spat out were hurried, and no one could hear or understand me.

I remembered one occasion when I found myself in a situation where I wanted to engage in a conversation with a stranger, I blurted out my comment, and the man stared at me, puzzled. I flushed the neck down. I was, believing I'd worked up the confidence to fail miserably.

The person's blank expression may have disheartened me.

But then, all of a sudden, I recognised something. Someone had just taught me something crucial. I learnt not just that I needed to slow down my words but also that remarking on strangers might be at the wrong time. It prompted me to take a closer look at situations I encountered later down the line. As a result, I became a more observant student and learned to use comedy in response to remarks to break the ice.

This occurred due to an attempt to rush the conversation, and it has helped me rethink how I think about rejection and making errors.

How can you reframe your perception of mistakes?

Fiction authors utilise an approach to assist them in progressing their works. It's known as "Yes, but... No, and..."

It's employed to make things worse for the protagonist in literature, but you'll use it to make things better for yourself.

Here are several examples:

1. You said the incorrect thing to a stranger. Yes, but it gave you the chance to learn the proper one and become a more alert learner.

2. You had an interaction with someone who did not respond. No, they didn't, and that's OK since you spoke with three others, all of whom reacted positively.

3. You attempted to request a drink from a lady, but she declined. Yes, but they got it, and you got to practise.

When you move your action away from the negative and toward the positive, those rejections don't seem so horrible. When you're feeling bad over a rejection, why not attempt the "Yes, but... No, and..." exercise?

How to Overcome Fear: Prepare for the "No."

Rejection is more painful when it is the polar opposite of what you expected.

It's understandable to be disappointed when things don't go as planned. So, adjust your expectations. Being a pessimist might be advantageous in this situation. If you walk in anticipating a no, you'll be pleasantly surprised with a yes.

This is a very useful talent to have. Nothing can stop you when you've reached a point when you expect to be rejected, yet you still try anyway. That applies not only to approaching females but to life in general.

And there's a simple strategy you can apply to hone this ability...

The Strategy of "Meaningless No"

How can you get thicker skin? Go out there and be rejected.

Begin with low stakes to reduce emotional investment. Instead of asking for what you genuinely want, ask for what you don't really need or desire.

Later, start asking for items that are a little out of the ordinary merely to get used to hearing "no."

This is referred to as the Meaningless No Strategy. Because you haven't lost anything if others say "no" to your requests. You don't feel the sting of not receiving what you desire.

And even if folks surprise you with a "yes" (which will happen more often than you think), you'll still be honing your skill to ask.

Do you need some motivation? Here are some suggestions to get you started:

• Can you lend me $100?
• May we take a selfie?
• Could I please taste of your bagel/sandwich/chips/etc.? (to a stranger or a buddy who doesn't share their food)
• Do you mind if I use your phone?

Give Yourself a Break

Consider the worst-case scenario if your efforts are rejected in the context of learning by doing. What will your life be like now that you've been rejected?

Your family will continue to love you. Your ability remains unchanged (and it will only get better). The sky isn't about to fall. Your pals still want to get out with you.

The only thing that may be different is your level of confidence. And even that will be rebuilt.

After experiencing rejection, take time to reflect on what is constant in your life. Everything will continue to be OK. And you never know what new chances will present themselves as a result of the rejection.

When you take the time to get perspective, you will notice that your fear of rejection decreases substantially.

No Gain, No Pain: Embrace the Burn and Respond

When you focus on the bad or take rejection personally, it may be a dreadful sensation. It's easy to overthink a rejection and believe it's all about anything you're doing wrong or falling short of something. It progresses from apprehension about making a mistake or appearing silly to a terrifying terror.

And, since it's frightening, you attempt to avoid the pain entirely. But keep in mind that what you escape from follows you.

So, rather than attempting to avoid the pain, accept it. Pay attention to what's going on in your head. After you've finished listening, begin responding.

Begin a debate with yourself. Allow your compassionate self to communicate with your more negative side.

Yes, seeing this internal debate may be challenging and hurtful. It can even seem a little foolish. However, avoiding it entirely will go you far further.

This is how it works. When you catch yourself thinking things like, "I'm terrible at talking to strangers," respond with, "I can get better at talking to strangers, and I just took a significant step toward that by trying today."

"I'll never be able to invite a female to drink," you realise. "It's probably not the proper moment with that girl because she has a boyfriend," you reason.

When you notice: "I just don't have the confidence to speak to a stranger, which is why I'm going to drink alone." I don't have enough experience." "How can I add saying one sentence to a strange to my agenda every day?" you respond.

Beyond Rejection Fear: You Can Be Rejected and Accept It

Rejection elicits strong feelings.

It's OK to be embarrassed, unhappy or humiliated. Allow yourself that minute before deciding to continue on. Don't delay working on your skills because of the terrible sentiments you experienced after rejection. Instead, seek the bright side - the chance to learn - and seize it.

A buddy once told me that three things would always propel you ahead if you approach them with the right perspective. They are humiliation, dread, and frustration. All three of these emotions can be triggered by rejection. Depending on how you look at it, they might be a reason to quit or a tremendous motivator to improve so you don't have to feel those destructive emotions.

It's time to make a choice: Which rejection will you accept?

NOTES:

How to Get Over the Fear of Rejection

How to Get Over the Fear of Rejection

Tell story

Once in San Francisco, I approached the counter for a seat at the bar. After a time of sitting at the bar, a lovely lady entered and sat next to me. After much self-talk, I summoned the guts to approach the lady and asked her if I could buy her a drink. She glanced at me and stated flatly no. I felt so horrible that I went away feeling bad; she had utterly rejected my attempts, which was a major blow to my confidence. I began to wonder if I didn't look right, if I was not worthy or whether my breath smelled terrible for generating such a harsh response.

It was a massive hit on my self-esteem.

Most advice articles will tell you, "hey, just suck it up, pick yourself up and try again." But that's not all that helpful.

The Spotlight Effect Explains Why Rejection Hurts

You're strolling down the street when you notice someone in front of you waving. You squint and ask yourself, "Do I know that person?" You return their grin, nod your head, and wave. They pass by you and embrace the person walking immediately behind you. Your face flushes with shame, and you scan the room to ensure no one has caught your gaffe. You're concerned that everyone around you is observing your humiliating incident.

The "Spotlight Effect" refers to our inclination to believe that more people notice us or items about us than they actually do.

It happens because we see everything through our own eyes. That is, we have a propensity to imagine that other people are focused on the same things we are - our uncomfortable wave moment or our faults - when in fact, they are not.

Instead, concentrate on the positive. How did you proceed following that specific rejection?

If you're anything like me, you probably promised never to do it again. But what is it exactly? In the heat of the moment, it's easy to exaggerate and misinterpret the issue as a whole.

However, after a few days, you can pinpoint the particular event or moment when everything went wrong. It's that thing you'd rather not do again.

So you keep going, hoping to do better the next time. Make the best of a bad situation. 

Instead of viewing it as a personal rejection, consider it to be information. A tool for self-improvement.

Consider Rejection as a Learning Opportunity.

How can you reframe your perception of mistakes?

Fiction authors utilise an approach to assist them in progressing their works. It's known as "Yes, but... No, and..."

How to Overcome Fear: Prepare for the "No."

Of course it’s disappointing when things don’t turn out the way you expect. So, change your expectations. Being a pessimist can be helpful here. If you go in expecting a no, you’ll get to be pleasantly surprised when you get a yes.

The Strategy of "Meaningless No"

How can you get thicker skin? Go out there and be rejected.

Give Yourself a Break

Consider the worst-case scenario if your efforts are rejected in the context of learning by doing. What will your life be like now that you've been rejected?

No Gain, No Pain: Embrace the Burn and Respond

So, rather than attempting to avoid the pain, accept it. Pay attention to what's going on in your head. After you've finished listening, begin responding.

Beyond Rejection Fear: You Can Be Rejected and Accept It

It's OK to be embarrassed, unhappy or humiliated. Allow yourself that minute before deciding to continue on. Don't delay working on your skills because of the terrible sentiments you experienced after rejection. Instead, seek the bright side - the chance to learn - and seize it.

A buddy once told me that three things would always propel you ahead if you approach them with the right perspective. They are humiliation, dread, and frustration. All three of these emotions can be triggered by rejection. Depending on how you look at it, they might be a reason to quit or a tremendous motivator to improve so you don't have to feel those destructive emotions.

It's time to make a choice: Which rejection will you accept?